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nancys_soul) wrote2010-06-07 12:56 pm
nancys_soul) wrote2010-06-07 12:56 pm
New Story about a Vulnerable Hutch
I posted this over at Me and thee 1000. So I thought I would post it here too.
It goes with my last post, the one with the picture of a sad vulnerable Hutch.
Hope you enjoy it. This is rated S for sad and H for happy endings.
Then and Now
by
Nancy's soul
I hate being called pissy.
Yesterday, Starsky stood right in front of me and called me that ridiculous term. He told me, "I'm tired of you always being so pissy, Hutch.”
I wanted to yell, "I AM NOT PISSY!" But I knew that was a lie. I want to be fun and happy, and let things roll off my shoulders. But for some reason, lately, I just can't.
Maybe it's because I am always tired. I never feel rested. I can't seem to fall a sleep, and when I do, my mind goes 100 miles an hour. That might be a symptom of my "pissiness" but if I am honest, it's not the main reason.
What's the reason, you ask. It’s a combination of things. First, there is the job.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a cop and working with Starsky, but recently, I have seen so much dishonesty, betrayal and hypocrisy from the people who are supposed to be the good guys. This revelation has tested my faith in humanity. If there is no real right or wrong, and you can't trust the police, your bosses or even your women, then who can you trust?
Starsky is what keeps me going. He is still trustworthy, good, loyal, and loving. If it weren't for him, I would probably be locked up in a padded room, with my own mind driving me crazy.
Which is the one big reason why it bothers me when he sees me as pissy. I want to be kind and fun, but something comes over me, and I let him have it. Or blame him for something, just to be mean.
I am so off- kilter because I have finally allowed something to surface that has been suppressed very deep inside myself. Something that could really rock my world and turn my life upside down. Which scares me, because if I'm a mess now, I don't know what would happen to me if the one constant person in my life were to leave because he couldn’t handle this new revelation.
So you would think that I would be nicer to the one man that I need and love, but I seem just to push him away. Like the old saying goes, "You always hurt the one you love."
How much can I take? How much can he take?
Tomorrow, I am going to try really hard to be good, and treat Starsky like he deserves to be treated.
Well, I failed as usual. Starsky pulled up in front of Venice Place to get me and said, “Good morning, blondie, it’s a bea-ut-iful day."
“What’s good about it, Starsk?" I asked him. "The smog is really bad, and we have to ride to work in this tomato of yours.”
What I really wanted to say was, “The day is beautiful because you are beautiful partner.”
So why didn’t I? Why do I always say the most negative thing possible and then bad mouth his beloved car?
I need a shrink.
I tried again. "Sorry, Starsky, for being such a grump. You are right, it is a nice day."
You should have seen Starsky! He turned to me with that big goofy smile of his. "See, Hutch, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
At first, I was so happy just to see that smile, my heart melted. Then, I was upset with myself for being so mean all the time, which made me clam up. I didn’t talk for the rest of the drive.
I know he thought I was just in another one of my moods, but the truth is, I knew if I looked at him and said one word, I would start to cry. He would get upset and want to know what was wrong. In a moment of weakness, I might actually tell him. That could not happen, no way!
So he can just think I am “pissy” again.
How much more can I take before I break? How much more can he take before he leaves me?
I have to get off this roller coaster that I have created. I need something to help me figure out what to do.
Have you ever heard the saying, be careful what you ask for?
I have been forced to face the fact that I may not have Starsky for much longer. Who would have thought that some policemen would try to kill us in our own police garage?
Oh God, why Starsky and not me?
I’m the messed-up one, who has wasted so much time messing around and keeping my feelings to myself. I hurt Starsky along the way, and now I may never get a chance to tell him the truth. I was acting so badly because I love him. I need him in my life.
Why, God, why?
I have been such a coward. I was afraid that if I told him I loved him, he would leave me, and now he probably will—and not because of anything I did, but outside forces attacking us. Who could survive this?
I truly never meant to hurt him.
Please God, I know I don’t deserve it, but give me another chance to tell him.
Please God, I will change.
I will be good. I will treat him the way he deserves to be treated. If you can hear me, please help me. Bring him back to me. Even if he doesn’t love me the way I love him, I will be so happy just to be the way we were before. Just me and thee… partners, best friends
I can’t believe it! Starsky is awake. I have a chance to tell him, to make things right.
I've waited beside his bed for days until he is able to stay awake for more than a few moments at a time. He's so sick, he scares me, but he always looks at me with such love. How does he do that?
One night, his fever came on very quickly. Over one hundred and three in just a couple hours. I could tell the nurses were concerned because they were all scurrying around starting IVs and antibiotics.
The doctor told me he was battling an infection. I watched him suffer, and I just lost it. I cried and cried, and told him that I loved him. Between all the morphine for his pain, and how sick he was, he slept through the whole messy scene. I couldn't help it. I pleaded with him to stay with me. I begged him to forgive me.
When I finally pulled myself together, I was glad that he was too out of it to hear me, because I didn’t want him to see me like that. I wanted to tell him those things when he was better and able to tell me what he really felt. I didn't want him to think he needed to be strong for me or love me because I couldn’t handle things.
The next morning, thank God, the antibiotics kicked in and his fever lifted.
Dr. Klein, Starsky's main attending, smiled, "Looks like he's doing a lot better. We'll keep him on the antibiotics for another week, but he improved far faster than I expected."
After the doctor left, I was drained, I couldn’t do anything but sit and stare at Starsky. At first, I thought I had imagined seeing his eyes flutter,. But no, it was true.
Starsky opened his eyes and just looked at me. I leaned up close to him, and before I could say anything, Starsky started to speak. “I know, Hutch," he said in the softest voice. "I have known for a while. I love you, too. Nothing to forgive…don’t leave me.” He closed his eyes and slept.
At that very moment, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my chest. I was able to breathe. For the first time in goodness knows how long, I felt hope.
I looked out the window and saw the sunshine streaming through the trees. I knew that life was really beautiful.
I was loved by my other half of my soul.
It goes with my last post, the one with the picture of a sad vulnerable Hutch.
Hope you enjoy it. This is rated S for sad and H for happy endings.
Then and Now
by
Nancy's soul
I hate being called pissy.
Yesterday, Starsky stood right in front of me and called me that ridiculous term. He told me, "I'm tired of you always being so pissy, Hutch.”
I wanted to yell, "I AM NOT PISSY!" But I knew that was a lie. I want to be fun and happy, and let things roll off my shoulders. But for some reason, lately, I just can't.
Maybe it's because I am always tired. I never feel rested. I can't seem to fall a sleep, and when I do, my mind goes 100 miles an hour. That might be a symptom of my "pissiness" but if I am honest, it's not the main reason.
What's the reason, you ask. It’s a combination of things. First, there is the job.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a cop and working with Starsky, but recently, I have seen so much dishonesty, betrayal and hypocrisy from the people who are supposed to be the good guys. This revelation has tested my faith in humanity. If there is no real right or wrong, and you can't trust the police, your bosses or even your women, then who can you trust?
Starsky is what keeps me going. He is still trustworthy, good, loyal, and loving. If it weren't for him, I would probably be locked up in a padded room, with my own mind driving me crazy.
Which is the one big reason why it bothers me when he sees me as pissy. I want to be kind and fun, but something comes over me, and I let him have it. Or blame him for something, just to be mean.
I am so off- kilter because I have finally allowed something to surface that has been suppressed very deep inside myself. Something that could really rock my world and turn my life upside down. Which scares me, because if I'm a mess now, I don't know what would happen to me if the one constant person in my life were to leave because he couldn’t handle this new revelation.
So you would think that I would be nicer to the one man that I need and love, but I seem just to push him away. Like the old saying goes, "You always hurt the one you love."
How much can I take? How much can he take?
Tomorrow, I am going to try really hard to be good, and treat Starsky like he deserves to be treated.
Well, I failed as usual. Starsky pulled up in front of Venice Place to get me and said, “Good morning, blondie, it’s a bea-ut-iful day."
“What’s good about it, Starsk?" I asked him. "The smog is really bad, and we have to ride to work in this tomato of yours.”
What I really wanted to say was, “The day is beautiful because you are beautiful partner.”
So why didn’t I? Why do I always say the most negative thing possible and then bad mouth his beloved car?
I need a shrink.
I tried again. "Sorry, Starsky, for being such a grump. You are right, it is a nice day."
You should have seen Starsky! He turned to me with that big goofy smile of his. "See, Hutch, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
At first, I was so happy just to see that smile, my heart melted. Then, I was upset with myself for being so mean all the time, which made me clam up. I didn’t talk for the rest of the drive.
I know he thought I was just in another one of my moods, but the truth is, I knew if I looked at him and said one word, I would start to cry. He would get upset and want to know what was wrong. In a moment of weakness, I might actually tell him. That could not happen, no way!
So he can just think I am “pissy” again.
How much more can I take before I break? How much more can he take before he leaves me?
I have to get off this roller coaster that I have created. I need something to help me figure out what to do.
Have you ever heard the saying, be careful what you ask for?
I have been forced to face the fact that I may not have Starsky for much longer. Who would have thought that some policemen would try to kill us in our own police garage?
Oh God, why Starsky and not me?
I’m the messed-up one, who has wasted so much time messing around and keeping my feelings to myself. I hurt Starsky along the way, and now I may never get a chance to tell him the truth. I was acting so badly because I love him. I need him in my life.
Why, God, why?
I have been such a coward. I was afraid that if I told him I loved him, he would leave me, and now he probably will—and not because of anything I did, but outside forces attacking us. Who could survive this?
I truly never meant to hurt him.
Please God, I know I don’t deserve it, but give me another chance to tell him.
Please God, I will change.
I will be good. I will treat him the way he deserves to be treated. If you can hear me, please help me. Bring him back to me. Even if he doesn’t love me the way I love him, I will be so happy just to be the way we were before. Just me and thee… partners, best friends
I can’t believe it! Starsky is awake. I have a chance to tell him, to make things right.
I've waited beside his bed for days until he is able to stay awake for more than a few moments at a time. He's so sick, he scares me, but he always looks at me with such love. How does he do that?
One night, his fever came on very quickly. Over one hundred and three in just a couple hours. I could tell the nurses were concerned because they were all scurrying around starting IVs and antibiotics.
The doctor told me he was battling an infection. I watched him suffer, and I just lost it. I cried and cried, and told him that I loved him. Between all the morphine for his pain, and how sick he was, he slept through the whole messy scene. I couldn't help it. I pleaded with him to stay with me. I begged him to forgive me.
When I finally pulled myself together, I was glad that he was too out of it to hear me, because I didn’t want him to see me like that. I wanted to tell him those things when he was better and able to tell me what he really felt. I didn't want him to think he needed to be strong for me or love me because I couldn’t handle things.
The next morning, thank God, the antibiotics kicked in and his fever lifted.
Dr. Klein, Starsky's main attending, smiled, "Looks like he's doing a lot better. We'll keep him on the antibiotics for another week, but he improved far faster than I expected."
After the doctor left, I was drained, I couldn’t do anything but sit and stare at Starsky. At first, I thought I had imagined seeing his eyes flutter,. But no, it was true.
Starsky opened his eyes and just looked at me. I leaned up close to him, and before I could say anything, Starsky started to speak. “I know, Hutch," he said in the softest voice. "I have known for a while. I love you, too. Nothing to forgive…don’t leave me.” He closed his eyes and slept.
At that very moment, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my chest. I was able to breathe. For the first time in goodness knows how long, I felt hope.
I looked out the window and saw the sunshine streaming through the trees. I knew that life was really beautiful.
I was loved by my other half of my soul.
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*squeee*
this is absolutely wonderful! oh my goodness, i'm sitting here bawling my eyes out! you really paid a loving tribute to our boys with this story and i am so happy you posted this!
hucth is just strung so tight during that last season- you can palpate how off-kilter he is and how much he wants to tell starsky how he feels. you really captured all those deep emotions of hutchie here. what a great job you did, nancy
yay! brava, nancy!!!
xoxo
and p.s. you know, i WISH we would have gotten a scene with hutch breaking down during that last show. he needed to do that. but, you wrote about it so eloquently and so purely that i feel satisfied now. thanks, hon.
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Thanks again, Hugs.
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hugs to you too!
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Wonderful! I haven't read the Zine yet. I'm so looking forward to your story.
If it's anything like this story, it'll be a great read.
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Story
Thanks for sharing!